RHPS

So, I went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show last night. Yay! Got to hang out with my friends again...There's this really cool 17 year old guy named Filipe(ay), from New York, the guy I picked up at the airport...he's a lot like me when I was 17, and different, of course. But I'm reminded that I don't interact with people like that anymore, that I don't fit in so well, either...I'm a part of this, and not, at the same time. I need to more like I was before, socially...because I can be. I know what's changed, and why...it's still sad that it had to happen. You just can't be a like a kid when you're a grown up.

Meanwhile, I'm kinda gorging on the social thing. There's another party tonight, and I'm still debating on whether I should go, since I won't get another chance for a while...I should go, since I won't get another chance for a while. I should stay home because I feel happy and at peace. I got some pressure washing done, there's a show I want to watch (60 minutes)...I'm not crying so much anymore, so it's easier to do 'normal' things I want to do that David normally interferes with.

A crazy thing happened last night, too...A 2 year old little girl was there with her mom...Or rather, her mom brought her. So inappropriate to bring this little girl. What's worse is that the mom didn't keep much control of the child, and she tended to run all over the place. Eventually, I picked up the kid, and held her through most of the show. The mom wasn't too alarmed, but I don't think I'd let a stranger just pick up my son and hold him for an hour...It was safer for the child to let me hold her, than for her to run around and possibly get stepped on by an adult sized person not used to looking out for small children not well controlled by their parents. And she let me hold her without complaint! Of course, the little girl is too small to make sense out of the movie anyway, and it's not so overt...but still.

David Weekly #15

Not a lot this week to report, since I had him for one day...

David went on a plane on Saturday to go see his mom. He wasn't understanding going on the plane until after we were on the plane. We waited in the terminal for about 3 hours, since the plane was delayed for some mechanical issue. During that time, I tried to get him to eat a hot dog, which I know he likes, but he wouldn't really eat it. He just wanted to eat candy. He did eat about half the hot dog, and all of the bun. We spent lots of time running around the terminal playing. We finally got on the plane. He sat in his car seat so very well, then he realized that we were on the plane...after take off he realized that he was leaving the ground, and got a bit worried. I made it as exciting as I could and he bought it! He quit worrying, and thought it was pretty cool. Then he fell asleep. He woke up about 30 minutes before we landed, and got worried as the plane slowed. He didn't like looking out the window, seeing the clouds so close to the plane, or being in the clouds, so we closed the window...landing was okay. We had to wait at the airport for a while for Amanda after we got there. David went with her very well. He got in the car, said goodbye, and they were off...

Amanda says he's having a good week. She's called a couple of times so he can talk to me, or me talk to him.

Hope you've had a good week.

Rusty

Missing the boy

Friday nights I usually am writing some kind of summary of what happened during the week with David. Not this week. I had him for one day...maybe I should write about that ...Well, never mind...I'm going to write my summary, because all the people that I send my newsletter to that don't know...it's still a good thing for David.

I'm babysitting my niece and nephew tonight, and putting them to bed reminded me of my son...can't say the nighttime prayer without crying. They don't say a prayer at night, but I said it for them, and I had to pause a couple of times to not cry.

I've been doing a lot of crying lately. sigh. This is affecting me more than Amanda being gone, that's for sure. She called me again today to tell me more about David. She was so nasty to me when we were getting divorced...

My list, and the airport, and my anniversary!

Roof: fix the brace-things to keep the gutter from bowing in the middle when it rains really hard. -- kinda done. Check.

Fix the spot where the gutter joins by the front door...check

Trim the tree -- check.

Pressure wash the driveway, stones in the back yard...today I hope.

Landscape: buy the things that keep the sand/dirt from moving -- probably not. Expense...

get better grass seed -> the low light variety for under the tree...maybe next week. Another expense.

go to apple store about battery power, and sudden power off problem...next week...
Mortgage refi!!! ... in the process of getting done. I gave all the docs to the broker today...

Fix pool...ugh. not gonna happen...I need a new fence first, to keep neighborhood children out. My fence is in dire need of repair. Plus, I have to spend money on chemicals to keep it looking good, and I have to get a cover because of all the leaves from the trees I want to cut down in my back yard...my mom says I should get some cash out of the house so I can do some of the bigger maintenance things that need doing, like my fence, and there's one or two other things...

----

The airport. I haven't flown in over 10 years (at least before 9/11), and then, I'm at the airport three times in one week, once to take David to see Amanda, another time to pick someone I know from Rocky up, and then later the same night (! Last night!) to pick up someone else related to Rocky. Yikes! And then next week to get David...

----

I haven't had a lot to say about my anniversary, but it's an occasion worth remarking on. It was 4 years ago that I got married. And I intended to stay that way. I realize that I'm glad I don't "celebrate" it with her because it's awkward: don't know what to get her, it probably won't be appreciated anyway, she won't know what to get me, we wouldn't have sex, and if we did, it wouldn't be any fun...and on and on...but I do miss her some. And she calls me and texts me telling what David is up to. I can't get over her doing that. It's messing with my head!

Called me out!

This is my BBC post. It's a bit more coherent than my last night's ramblings. It's my anniversary today. Donna and Melanie are concerned about me. :-)

Y'all .... are .... awesome!

How is my time alone? Saturday night I went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and hung out with friends for hours! Sunday was my stress hangover. I don't drink, but I have had a hangover from drinking when I was younger, and it was kinda like that! Couldn't sleep for a nap, and had a headache all day. I talked on the phone without being interrupted! My friend calls my DS the "conversation randomizer" or the "non-sequetizer" since I'll be talking to him and David will come up and say something to me in a fit of phone-jealousy, and I'll have to stop whatever I was saying and have to talk to him, and then start another completely unrelated topic...I went to a party on Sunday night, and hung out for a couple of hours. I could never have brought my DS to that party, and I didn't have to worry about a babysitter!

I spent some time on Sunday crying. But I'm better now. :-)

Monday, my ex called just to have me on the phone so that I could talk to my boy. I was so surprised to hear from her, as I didn't think she'd call me for two weeks, or allow me to call to talk to him. She never calls me. Especially never to talk to him. I have to call her...I broke down and called a mortgage broker, too. So today I've got to get all my papers together for the refi process.

Tuesday I didn't get a whole lot done.

Wednesday I trimmed my tree...much more trimming than I thought! And I cleaned up my back yard...it's nice to have a focus that isn't interrupted by keeping up with the boy. Last night I went out with some people from work. That wasn't as fun as I thought it would be, but it wasn't bad. My ex called me to tell me that David was 'reading' a book, but I couldn't hear because she couldn't say anything on her phone. She was sending me text messages to tell me that...another surprise...

Today I'm getting all my financial papers together, going to Home Depot for a couple of things...

And taking a nap! I took a glorious nap yesterday. I love naps.

I'm getting my checklist completed...but I still feel like I'm running in place.
Sigh.

Rusty

Anniversary

It's close to 2 AM on my anniversary. Had I stayed married, this would be 4 years. It's still 4 years since I got married, but I'm not married anymore...

How has my week been so far without David? I realized that on Sunday I had a stress hangover from the day before. I spent some time crying because he's gone. I watched CBS Sunday Morning, and there's a movie of the week on where the man says, "I want my son back." Every time I'd hear that I'd cry. I wanted to go back to sleep, because I had gone out the night before, and didn't get home until 3:30 AM...woke up at 7:30 AM...and could not go back to sleep...I had a headache all day, too. It took all day to feel better. I went to a party Sunday night, with people I consider friends. They are not child-friendly, though. So this was good for me to be a grown-up for a while. Monday I didn't feel like I got anything done, but I called a mortgage broker to get moving on my list. Didn't do a whole lot in the yard. I'm finding that having David here makes it very easy for me to go outside, and when he's not here, it's more difficult.

I went out tonight with some people from work, which is nice. No rushing home. Tuesday I was in training from 9 - 5, which ruined my day...not a whole lot done on Tuesday, either.

Today I got some stuff done: I began the document gathering process, and trimmed the tree so it doesn't touch my roof! I pulled up some more Cape Honeysuckle roots...I'll be doing that until the end of time, it seems.

Amanda called me on Monday, saying that she thinks I'm missing David, which I am. So she put the cell on speaker, the way I do with her when he's here. We talk about 45 minutes. Amanda and I, that is. David is just off playing. The physical interaction is what he needs. He'll figure the phone thing out later. He just said, "Daddy!" and that 's about it. She called me again today to talk, she said he's 'reading' and she wanted me to hear. But her phone speaker wasn't working...so I heard static. We texted since there was no sound on her phone.

Without David here I'm a bit touch-starved. Just having him here to cuddle, or for him to climb on me, or me carry him on my shoulders is enough. Without him here...it's hard not to have an excuse for me not doing things. So I'm getting stuff done, and being a non-parent adult for a little while. I can make phone calls and not be interrupted. I can talk to friends without the "conversation randomizer" because he makes me forget what I was saying and I'll go on to something else...I'm just lonely, I suppose. I climbed on the ladder without my shadow going up with me, and even on the roof! And the mortgage thing. Without him here, I can actually get it done!

Bad Coincidences

I'm slightly troubled by two different coincidental things that have occurred today. The first is that wikipedias featured article is RAD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, a severe condition where the child becomes emotionally disturbed by, essentially, abandonment, or supremely irregular care. Fortunately, it's rare, but why the first day of David being gone do I get to see this as the featured article?

And then, I'm at a party, and one of my friends was talking about her nephew getting 'kidnapped' by his grandmother, who was only supposed be taking the nephew for a little while, and instead kept him for 8 months, in the Philippines!

I don't need these stories to make my life worse! It's not fair!

One more thing about the plane

On the way back from St. Louis, I see a most beautiful and unexpected sight. It's 6 PM or so CDT, and the sun is getting lower in the sky...We're getting to where we're above the clouds, and the sun is casting the plane's shadow on the clouds where I can see it. But the coolest thing is that the water around the plane (or something) made the plane into a lens, which then caused a rainbow to form all around the plane's shadow on the clouds, halo-like...it was an incredible sight. It was all slightly fuzzy, yet well defined. Just out of focus, and that only added to the beauty of it.

As the sun was setting I could see the full moon on the horizon, rising. It was also a beautiful sight.

David's gone for two weeks

But there are reminders of him EVERYWHERE, and I all I want to do is forget that he's gone, or that I ever had him while he's gone. I'm surprised at how much it hurts for him to be gone. It's good that he's with his mother, at least. I heard him on the phone talking to her, call her mommy...I just want to put all of his things in his room and close the door until I see him again. He misses her, I know. And she said he was hungry from...well, DUH! He'd been in a plane for 3 hours, we hadn't had a lot of time to eat, even though there was a two hour delay in Tampa...I tried to get him to eat a hot dog, which he wouldn't eat. On the plane I tried to give him snacks like crackers, made sure he drank his gatorade, but he just would not EAT. Probably too much excitement from the plane, and airport...I have the whole wheat kind, so it's just empty calories, it was "real" food. He fell asleep on the plane, which was nice. I had brought all kinds of things to keep him entertained on the plane, though since we were delayed I never brought out the stuff at the terminal for him to play with. When we went through security, the TSA guy told me that he was going to take my laptop out of my bag and run it through separately. I told him that I have a screaming child, and that he can do what ever he wanted. David hated taking off his shoes, but he really started to holler when his bah-dee ended up in the xray machine...and I have to take off my shoes, and gather my shoulder bag, and the laptop, and keep track of a very mobile child, oh, and his car seat. I'm pretty tired, too.

I have two saints to thank, though...getting on the plane was difficult, but would have been a nightmare without the help of a lady who didn't look to be much older than me, but still she says she has grand-kids...I had David, the car seat, the carry on bag (with laptop within) and it was just too much. So she had been talking to me before. It would appear that a single guy with his kid and way too much stuff (really, just two things!) gets people's attention. Some of the older women waiting for the flight in the terminal asked how much energy I had, because David wouldn't stop, and therefore, neither did I. So anyway, the woman who helped me is named Beverly. She really couldn't have been as old as 50, and no grey hair, and no wrinkles...but she still had that bearing...and she carried the car seat onto the plane for me, and then VANISHED...it was amazing. She sat me down next to a really rather attractive young woman, who helped me with David by talking to him, and smiling at him...everyone that I had occasion to talk to said how cute he is, how long his eyelashes are, how smart he is...Erica is this one woman's name. David fell asleep after we got off the ground, but getting off the ground was an experience, since he has never flown...he understood that we were ON the plane, and he saw the trucks, and cars out the window, because I sat him next to it. Just after the wheels left the ground, he began to realize that we were off the ground as the cars and such got smaller and smaller. He got more and more uneasy, almost crying, but I made it as exciting as possible for him, and he pretty much bought it, because he wasn't so scared. After we got to cruising altitude, he saw the clouds, and fell asleep. Later it occurred to me that I got stuck waiting for the plane in Tampa, and in those two hours I could have done a better job feeding him with the snacks, or playing the games I'd brought, or reading a book to him...sigh. Next time. I hate when I end up just waiting for something to happen, and end up doing nothing while I wait. Erica was an angle because I hadn't had anything to eat for myself...she had just bought a sandwich, but then we got called to board the plane, then she said she didn't want to eat, and did I want some of her sandwich, because she wasn't going to eat it. So I sure...I'm learning how to accept help from people, because I wasn't going to allow Beverly to help me, either, and at some point I just let her help me. I don't like feeling helpless like that, or not all the way in control, but I was already helpless, and slightly out of control anyway...When we got to St. Louis, she helped me again by going with me to baggage claim: she took him by the hand and we went down the escalator to the lower floor, and then she was gone again ("Who was that masked man? I'd shooore like to thank him!"). I could have done it without her, but I'm still glad she helped, because what if I wasn't able? I worried about him falling down the stairs of the escalator, and I couldn't really get him before he took off since I was hold that other stuff. Sigh. And getting on the plane, too. Wow.

The hand off with Amanda is another story. I get there, and THEN she leaves the house to come get him. So I waited for her at the terminal for another 30 - 45 minutes. I think they just wanted to make me wait a little while longer, but of course, this is no service to David, since at various points he said he wanted to go home, and I'm like, "We're going to see your mommy!" and then he'd forget about home. They should have been at the FUCKING AIRPORT AT THE GATE to meet us when we got there, it's not a mystery where the place is, what flight we were on...but no. It was funny that when I asked her about why she had Tait with her that she began to explain herself to me about why he was with her...and I just didn't care. All I said was, "So you have Tait with you?" If she had said, "Yes," that would have been just fine. It's not like I'm going to spend the night with the guy. Instead, she says, "blah blah it worked out better this way blah blah" and I'm like, "Hey, you don't have to tell me, it is what it is." It was just not important. I had a little time to think about it, and when they FINALLY got there, I was like, "Hi Tait!" and he just kind of mumbled back, and wouldn't me in the eye, or really look at me. It was funny that when Amanda was trying to figure out where I was, hearing him get so angry in the background...and I'm thinking to myself, "What's to get upset about?" They were just lost, and it was funnier to hear him blaming ME for not being in the right place...and I'm like, "Uh, hello? I've never been to this fucking airport before, I'm right where I'm supposed to be, right where you told me to meet you: down by baggage claim. Not only am I in the right place, where are you?" David went with her very well...he said good-bye, and waived, and asked for a kiss, and a hug, and they were off! The return trip for me was uneventful...

I went to Rocky Horror as my first act of being home alone...When I was waiting for my return flight to Tampa I was toying with the idea of flying ANYWHERE in the country, simply because I could. No reason for me 'rush right home'...but I went home anyway, but went to Rocky directly and hung out there for a couple of hours before the movie started. It's nice to be social and grown up again...

Flying with the boy

Flying today w/ David was fun, and a workout. I realized way too late that I had a ton of activities in my carry-on, but didn't get them out when I found out that the flight was delayed...it was in stops and starts until it was a total of 2 hours late. I'm currently in the St Louis airport...the clock on my computer still is on eastern time. The exchange with Amanda went fairly well. Tait was yelling and screaming at Amanda when they couldn't figure out where I was after I got off the plane. It was fairly obvious to me, even if not them. I'm also thinking that they made me wait instead of being here at the airport when they should have been. They should have been here at the airport waiting. It's not like I'm going to make Amanda wait for me when (if? -- Dot thinks Amanda won't come back w/ David at all...) they get back in two weeks. In the mean time, I've got lots of work to do:

Roof: fix the brace-things to keep the gutter from bowing in the middle when it rains really hard.
Fix the spot where the gutter joins by the front door...
Trim the tree
Pressure wash the driveway, stones in the back yard...
Landscape: buy the things that keep the sand/dirt from moving
get better grass seed -> the low light variety for under the tree.
go to apple store about battery power, and sudden power off problem
Mortgage refi!!!
Fix pool...ugh.

David Weekly #15

On the evenings that I'm home with him, David sees the airplanes out to the west, and shouts "A pwane! A pwane!" and I just acknowledge the plane, and we go on. Lately, I've been telling him we're going to be ON the plane, but he doesn't get it, since they are so small and so far away. It's not like getting in the car. So, tomorrow, we'll be getting on a plane, and going to see his mommy. I tell him he's going to see his mommy, and he always comes back with "and dthee-dthee, dtoo."

Today he got his first haircut. He was mostly cooperative and sat in the chair, but not for very long. He wasn't a fan of having his hair "pulled" so that it could be cut away from his head. It almost doesn't look like it was cut. He still has the baby curls in the back on his head, but his bangs are gone.

Earlier this week, David was sick. He had a pretty high fever, but I gave him some Ibuprofen, and that helped. I'm glad I'm working the later shift, because I didn't have to miss work, and by the time I needed to leave for work, he was better: no fussiness, and full energy and appetite. But he did sleep in until 10 o'clock that morning! He also knows "cough medicine," which I usually only give him if he's having trouble sleeping, or he's coughing constantly. Today we went for a walk, and he ran the whole time! The best part is that there was no wheezing, so no nebulizer...and his coughing lasted only for a minute, because his cough does linger a bit.

Meanwhile, I love that he has an imagination: first, some planes have changed their name from planes to 'rocket-planes' and the planes that leave the white tracer lines behind them are rocket ships...but the best thing is when he found a stick on the ground that has the same shape as a plane and he called it a 'stick-rocket-ship'...all by himself! It's amazing to me still how smart he is...and he's beginning to be able to repeat entire phrases...so at some point this week or last week, he was fussing over something, and I told him there's no crying in baseball...and it stopped him from crying, and then he repeated it after thinking about it for a minute.

We went to Toddler Time again this week on Wednesday, and he still does not want to sit in one place and 'watch'. But he was better this time, and I'm getting better dealing with his desire to NOT SIT STILL!!! :-) He likes to sit in one place and watch other things (like cars, or squirrels), but Librarians reading doesn't do it for him. He sits still when I read to him...

I haven't been as active in recording David's goings on as normal. I'm probably a bit worked up over the fact that he'll be gone for two weeks. So you get a two week break from these newsletters. If you're interested, I was thinking about doing a review of the last 4 months to see how David has changed, grown, and so on...

Have fun with David, and have a good two weeks...

This is a test

David tries to impress me by 'speaking correctly' which is apparently more effort for him than his 'regular' speech. If he really wants something, he tries to say all the words in a sentence the right way. It's very cute. He's also making a transition from saying "Da-did" is doing something, to "I" will do something: "I'll do it!" he says. He's figuring out the other personal possessive pronouns, too.

We made pizza one night, and the next day I took the rest to work for lunch...and then the next day he brought me the cutting board to tell me there was no more pizza.

Shadows of the past

So, today, I went to the Storytelling Festival, sans David. Later on, went to the Scottish Highland Games, and saw Amanda's "twin". It was really hard not to go over and talk to her. She was a dork, just like Amanda is; she wore the same kind of glasses, too. She was smiling and happy...and I just cried silently when I thought about it later. I should stop going to the Celtic things, because I just cry when I go, or when I'm leaving. Good thing I was wearing sunglasses, so no one could tell. I think James knew, but didn't say anything, even though when he asked me directly I still lied about it. It's been a long day.

David Weekly #14

In one week, I'll be putting the final touches on getting David ready for his trip up to Missouri. He'll finally get to see you, Amanda. He asked for you the other day, in the morning, at 7AM: call mommie, he says. I tell him that it's too early to call. I'm thinking that in the future, you should get him a phone on your plan that only calls you, so he can talk to you when he wants. He asks for you and for Colleen more often lately. I wonder what's driving that. Maybe his sense of time is sharp enough that he knows he'll be seeing you soon, but not sure about how to measure it. Maybe I'll teach him how to count the days until we go in the plane. He can count that high now. Now he'll learn how to count something slowly, over a period of days.

It's funny how he can express himself about wanting to call you...when you were first gone, he didn't ever say anything about you. Now...he can hope that you're coming home. When he hears a car door closing outside the house, he hopes it's you. But I have to say no, it's not.

We went to Toddler Time (every time I say that, it reminds me of Tara Time, because "Tara" is said like TAR - UH, ick!), and left reasonably quickly, because David did not want to sit still, and he did not want to be quiet! I think next time I'll have to make sure we get there early so that he can have time to settle in. He wanted to get a chair, didn't want to sit on the floor, wanted me to sit on his left side (which, by the way, he is getting a good grasp of 'left' and 'right') on the floor while he sat in the chair, then decided that wasn't good enough...and I was like, this isn't working, so we left.

On Sunday, he did something new: He snuggled with me. It's different than when he just sits on my lap, or has me carry him somewhere...he just curled up in my arms...We took more pictures of him...on the chair, on the couch...Out of the clear blue he asks me to take pictures of him. He loves seeing each one when I've just taken it, then he thinks of the next place he can be photographed. We took a picture of our feet together...

He also made me take pictures of his arms, and legs, and feet, but they're pictures just the same. Here's the 'arms' picture:


I love how serious he is in this picture, and the others.

Meanwhile, on the potty training front, David says he's afraid of the toilet because it roars. I wish I knew what that means, since he loves to flush it, and the little one doesn't make any noise at all. I'm able to ask if he's scared, and he says yes. He's also afraid of falling off his bed. So he's able to identify emotions! Sad, happy, scared...just amazing.

Random things:

In today's language lesson: Neets are pants, and not shorts. David likes to hide. He says, "I'm i-ing" He says only the I part of hiding, and not the d, and then the ing part. He says some things so often that I neglect to record them, or think they are notable. He likes to race! If he sees that we are both at a line in the road at the same time, he'll say, "Wace!" and we run. And then he says RWUN! Very loud little boy.

He's a big faker! He likes to pretend he's falling down, and falls, and then gets back up. He learning the art of the 'stall' for getting a bath, or bed time, or anything else that he must do that he doesn't want to...I'm pretty good at knowing what his stalling looks like, but he still tries!

David is:
# A Marine: because he says, "GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!"
# An Artist: because he likes to color
# A Chemist: because he likes to mix things, like milk and gatorade, or Crispix and Frosted Miniwheats
# A Reader: because he brings me books for me to read to him
# A Gardener: because he likes to dig with the shovel, and pull up weeds
# A Mathematician: because he can count to 15 by himself!
# An Astronomer: because he knows "sun" "moon" "planet" and "rocket ship!"
# A Lover: because he gives hugs
# A Family Member: because he knows his sissy, mommy, daddy, aunt, and cousins, and talks about them with no prompting
# A Cute Little Boy: 'nuff said

I hope you have a good week!

Rusty

It's not all fun and games!

I had a thought about this, but I'm thinking that I took my son and myself out to a park locally where there's an outdoor stage (and bandshell, if you must know! :-). I think we lasted 15 minutes. He's just not ready to sit still, and we hadn't had dinner, so I just gave up and went home. There was a concert there, so it was okay to run around and make noise, but still. I'm feeling a bit defeated.

Meanwhile, as I'm dealing with this rather minor situation, I'm reminded of something that my ex said (to her now BF -- that I overheard) before we got divorced: that she would wait for me to realize that raising a child isn't all fun and games, and then she would get custody. Well, duh. I had been raising her daughter by myself even while ex was in the house...

David's going to be gone in a week, and will be gone for two weeks. It's going to be tough. If she really wanted him, she'd be here. Or she would have fought more. Instead, she tucked tail and ran. AND, when I ask how Colleen is, she tells me that Colleen's been in a "fine mood" which means that things have been going badly. I just remember how she doesn't know how to discipline Colleen, or how to love her, either. I miss Colleen. I asked Amanda if Colleen could come down and visit, but she said she didn't know if Colleen would appreciate it or not. Sigh. Not that I know what I'd do with her while I have to work, but I'm sure I could figure out something. Sigh

Plans for when David's gone

• Pressure wash the driveway, and part of the house


• clean out the back shed


• work on the yard a lot!


• cut the oak tree


• fix the gutter


• fix pool


• hot tub


• Mortgage refinance


• see movies

Neets!

Neets are pants, and not shorts. David likes to hide. He says, "I'm i-ing" He says only the I part of hiding, and not the d, and then the ing part. He says some things so often that I neglect to record them, or think they are notable. He likes to race! If he sees that we are both at a line in the road at the same time, he'll say, "Wace!" and we run. And then he says RWUN! Very loud little boy.

We went to the Toddler Time reading thing at the library, and he did not want to sit still. So, after he comes back from his mom's we'll try that all out again. I'll also make sure to get there early to give him time to settle down and into the routine of it.

Meanwhile, David loves cars. And he loves to roll them, and race them. So maybe racetracks for his cars for his birthday...

Wake up! Wake up!

At 6 AM David decides that it's time to get up. So...after some crying in bed from him, I get up to show him that it's still dark outside. I called Kelly at about 7 AM for a sanity check, but she didn't answer her phone. I should have known better. I was a bit at the end of my rope. I was fighting with David to get him to go back to bed, and he was in a mood this morning! He got me up at 6 AM, which is way early for me with my schedule being the way it is...I tried to get him to go back to bed, and he just wouldn't! You were the only one I knew of that would have been awake at that hour...He did ask for eggs and toast at 6AM, though. That was kind of cute.

I was very unhappy this morning.

Meanwhile, I took him to the library for toddler time, and he did not want to sit still! Maybe I need to take him earlier so that he can get settled. Sigh.

Wake up!

David was playing with my alarm clock yesterday, and accidentally set it to go off..and the time I have it set for is 7AM, which is hard to get up at that time when the night before I went to sleep at 1:30 AM...but when he came into my room, he was asking for his mom, wanting to call her. "call mommie, call mommie" he says. I just told him no, he can't call her. He fussed for a minute, in much the same way he might fuss if I had told him he can't have any candy. Maybe I'll have her send me a phone just for him to call her. Of course, she's a time zone away, so it would have been just past 6 AM...maybe not a good idea for him to call her. He asks for her and for his sister more often lately. I wonder what's driving that. Maybe his sense of time is sharp enough that he knows he'll be seeing her soon, but not sure about how to measure it. Maybe I'll teach him how to count the days until we go in the plane. He can count that high now. Now he'll learn how to count something slowly, over a period of days.

It's funny how he can express himself about wanting to call her...when she was first gone, he didn't ever say anything about her. Now...he can hope that she's coming home. When he hears a car door closing outside the house, he hopes it his mother. But I have to say no, it's not.

Rainy Sunday Afternoon

David says "neets" for pants. He can say shirt, but pants, it's neets...he actually snuggled with me today. This was a first. Normally he may let me hold him, but today he curled up in my arms. That was really cool. And then later he asked me to take pictures of his feet. So I took pictures of his feet. Then we took pictures of him on the chair, and on the couch, and of his arms...it was pretty funny. I'm amazed that he asked me to take pictures of him. It came out of the clear blue. We took a picture of our feet together...

Otherwise, this was a day for hanging out. It's been raining here all day long, so we just played in the carport, rather than in the yard. I've been pretty bored all day. I got in a funny mood to want to watch "The Empire Strikes Back"...but then realized that I don't have the movie like I thought I did. Not sure where it went. I guess I'll have to buy it again...

David likes to ask to go to sleep in my bed, but then he never does. He ends up on the floor in his room. He says he's afraid of the potty because it roars. That doesn't make a bit of sense to me. Yeah, I'm able to ask if he's scared, and he says yes. He's also afraid of falling off his bed. He's able to identify emotions, too! Sad, happy, scared...just amazing.

David is:

• A Marine: because he says, "GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!"
  
• An Artist: because he likes to color
  
• A Chemist: because he likes to mix things, like milk and gatorade, or Crispix and Frosted Miniwheats
  
• A Reader: because he brings me books for me to read to him
  
• A Gardener: because he likes to dig with the shovel, and pull up weeds
  
• A Mathematician: because he can count to 15 by himself!
  
• An Astronomer: because he knows "sun" "moon" "planet" and "rocket ship!"
  
• A Lover: because he gives hugs
  
• A Family Member: because he knows his sissy, mommy, daddy, aunt, and cousins, and talks about them with no prompting
  
• A Cute Little Boy: 'nuff said
  

Moments of Magic

Last night, around 11, I go to check on David...he's still awake, but in the twilight period of falling asleep...he's so cute in his little jammies with the dinosaurs. I see his little eyes, and I give him lots of kisses on his cheek, and on the other cheek. He just smiles so big and happy. I gave him a hug, and let him go. I hope that he feels loved, because I love him so much!

David Weekly #13

Monday night, David was trying to make sense out of Amanda and Colleen being gone. "Where mommie go?" "Where Co-een go?" I did my best to relate this information to him: They went to Missouri. But he doesn't understand the concept of Missouri. So it was a struggle. Later on I told him that mommie and Colleen have a different house. He can say everybody's names now: Man-a, Co-een, Ru-ty, Day-did.

I found some picture books that I was given, and David loves them. They are beautifully illustrated. They're the kind that have one sentence on each page. He names the things on the pages, and I read the sentence to him. We have a book that has some animals playing in the water, and the word "SPLASH!" is written in different places, and he says that and points to the word.

Remember when I said that he was good about the cars, and going in the street, and looking first? Well, scratch that. He doesn't do that anymore. I'm not totally sure why. Naturally, this means I am even more careful than I was before. I think maybe I knew that he would 'outgrow' being cautious. Sigh. He just gets excited to chase something, like a ball, or is running with his little push-car thing, and doesn't realize where the road starts...

David is developing a concept of time. "One more time" he says sometimes. Really, though, it's the concept of 'a while' that he understands. In the morning he reminds me that we are going to Dot's house in 'a big while' rather than 'a little while.' He came up with a 'big' while by himself. I traded schedules at work with someone, and I told him we were going to Dot's in little while, and he got upset, and protested: "A BIG WHILE!" So he knows 'a while' 'a little while,' and 'a big while'. I used this to describe when he's going to see his mother: in a long while. But it's going to be soon. I don't want to say 'soon' because he will just get excited, and then nothing will happen. He looks for her to come home, but I just have to say, she's not home. David's kind of an only child at this point. He knows he has a sissy, but then he doesn't really interact with her.

We went to "Toddler Time" on Wednesday, and he enjoyed it! Since this was his first time going to this, he just wanted to run around the library like we did before. Instead, I just stood and held him while the lady at the front was reading the different books. We eventually sat down, and David participated by pointing out the various transportation related items, like plane, or boat. I had to constantly re-direct his attention back to the front, and let him wander a bit. At one point they were all singing and he's saying "NO SING!" over and over. It was pretty funny. He figured it out after the next song. Then he liked the singing. :-)

Random facts about David:

David makes car noises: bee-beep! vroom! errrt (scrreech!), usually in that order, and usually loudly, though he has whispered it on occasion...He made instruments out of a spatula and a whisk, beating them together like drumsticks. He was very proud of himself for that.

When we're watching Pee-Wee, he now comments on the robot (Conky) by telling me, "A ROBOT!" shouting, of course. And he noted that Pee-Wee was sad at one point.

He's surprised me in other ways: watching TV, there were stars and planets, and he said, "manet!" (for planet), and we were outside and he sees the planes up in the sky that leave the white tracer paths behind them, and says, "A rocket ship!" He can count past 10! I was doing some gardening, and he's counting like he normally does, and I expected him to stop at 10, but then I hear ele-yen, twolf, firteen, fourteen, five-teen...he trailed off after that. I was amazed, of course!

David understands the concept of "dark"...as the sun sets, he says, "Dark!"

David got a box of Easter goodies from his mommie. He got two race-cars (Hot Wheels!), a chocolate Easter bunny, a game called Hi-Ho Cherry-O, which is a counting game (and it came with a puzzle!), some Skittles, and a Curious George puzzle. He also got a spider-man magna-doodle.

Well, that's all for now. Hope you've had a good week!

Dating Pressure

Hello ... I have a funny feeling. Maybe because it's just that I'm fresh out of a relationship. I don't know. Do you feel pressure (from yourself, mostly), to date? I know there's the outside world pressure, but I'm talking about some kind of internal thing.

I'm happier than I've ever been now that I'm divorced. I feel a funny feeling that I should be looking for someone, even though that isn't what I want. I have been in the best moods, most productive, etc...without someone else in my life. I certainly don't feel like anything is missing.

This is a very ill-defined feeling I have. Maybe it's just me. I just feel like ... something. Ugh. Anyone know what I mean???

-----

Okay, so I'm taking my BBC posts and putting them here. What can I say?

Less Funk

I'm feeling better. I think I got trapped in my house today somehow. I needed to get outside and work on my yard! Or do the dishes, or laundry...Instead, I'm looking to the internet to fulfill me, stimulate me, something. And then I don't do anything that requires work. There was just no work from me, and I wasn't even relaxing very well. David pulls me in directions that I don't want to go...but he doesn't have anyone to play with. And I feel bad about that.

I took him to "Toddler Time" at the library, and he didn't sit still for long. He did pay attention when I could point his attention at the lady reading the book, and pointed out the planes, and other vehicles from the books the lady was showing and reading from. I love reading the pictures books to him that I got, because he's getting it, and they are so beautifully illustrated. He is so rapt in his attention to the books.

My house is a mess, but tomorrow cleaning it should be a good thing. And yard work. Maybe the grass seed has sprouted...

In a funk

So this is my first genuine blog entry. I was as happy as I could possibly be on Sunday night, and now I'm in a funk. I guess that's the way it is. I don't really feel like writing, or posting in the BBC boards...not sure why. I don't know why I'm in a funk...sigh.

I called Kelly last night, and James called me...that made for a good night last night. Maybe I'm not making any progress on my yard this week. I think that's eating at me. It rained last night, so I'm hoping that the grass seeds I spread out will sprout soon. It's supposed to rain more tonight.