Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Unbalanced

With David being gone, I'm unbalanced, socially. I've been talking to Amanda about being introverted/extroverted, and again, I'm an introvert. It takes energy to be with people, and you keep what's most important to you hidden away. It's easy to make excuses about why I'm not out doing things before/after work, because I have David. He gets me out of the house, because I won't leave it otherwise. At least, not when he's gone for short periods like two weeks. I think if the custody thing were reversed, I'd go out more, do more things...have people around. I might go back to Baton Rouge, so I could hang out at Coffee Call again. Talk to people...no where good to do that around here, that I feel comfortable. I've been talking to a guy here at work who plays soccer recreationally, so maybe I'll do that on Sundays, which are my train wreck days anyway. Social, excercise...and something to do. Just for me.

Listening to a show on memory...a guy who can't remember from one moment to the next. Each new moment is brand new to the point that each moment is new...as if he's never had one before. It makes me think about learning how I feel about experiences. Like with Tania. The last time I remember feeling that way was with Meredith, but I didn't feel that way for very long. I've so often spoken in hyperbole, everything is so wonderful, so full, so "-est"...I remember ... they say that memory is always a recreation, but they didn't say how that recreation occurs. Maybe they don't know. But it's being recreated from something. I remember...I don't have any recreations that are like Tania. And I wonder about my depth of feeling. More intense feelings result in memories lasting longer. I don't remember my lunch last week, because it's not very intense. I remember my first kiss with Cinnamon because of how it left me feeling afterward. I wonder how I'll remember Tania in the future. The most intense feeling of being with her was in my bed, laying next to her, feeling the softness of her body...but it was the softness in her heart that affected me more....I guess I remember that because I never felt that before, from anyone. I wonder if I ever will again..and then I wonder about all the feelings I've felt before and that I've not felt since...and do I miss them, do I even know about them, have I forgotten them...I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. But where are those writings...where are those writings...

Ringworm

Amanda tells me that David has ringworm. In his ear, and another case on his arm. I saw those splotches, but assumed eczema. Sigh. No one else said anything to me about them. She can be a good mom...just in short bursts.

A Great Quote

"No matter how many how many ways old people find to warn young people not to squander ephemeral gifts, we all find ways, young and old, to squander our ephemeral gifts -- love, babies, and real estate included. In warning others, at least for a moment we have those precious things back."

Friday, September 26, 2008

David Weekly, #32

This is why you have to pay attention to your kids every minute: at first, he was being cute and calling me "Old man." I have not the slightest idea where this came from, or why it started happening today. But he calls me "old man", and I think it's cute. In the middle of all of this, he picks up the scissors, and I'm in the middle of cooking...a minute or two later he comes back and tells me he cut the sheets on my bed. So I go check this claim out, and sure enough, he did. I now have a hole in my sheets. Lovely. I tell him this makes me very sad. And I asked him why I'm sad, and he says, "because I cut a hole in your sheets," very matter of factly...but I told him again how upset I am over this, and he got it. He went to his room, obviously feeling guilty. He didn't put that together with "I'm sorry," so we'll have to work on that. The best part is that I didn't yell or scream, but I did say emphatically how I felt about it, and it did have an impact.

Comparison...David is now saying that something is "best" "prettiest" "loudest" or whatever... but it's always something "est"...he's learning how to attach affixes to words: like, "est" or "un"..."un" is funnier, because of the way you can attach it to words in unexpected ways. Like at the zoo, he decided to go play in the fountains, which we never do, and got all wet. I told him that we can't go see the animals because he was all wet and because we ran out of time. So he asked how he could get unwet. What a great kid! It was also funny when we went to see the penguins how he sees the water and calls it "Lovely (wovewy) wa-er" ... (he doesn't say the T's in the middle of words)... this is a phrase from the Splash! book that we read a lot. In fact, that Splash! book is his favorite. Another thing is that he says "Ta-a!" instead of Ta-Da! when unveiling something with his blanket, or showing me something that I haven't seen before.

Did I mention that he loves Blues Clues? Yeah, he does. He loves the episodes of the Mystery Builder, and "Missed her friend" -- the second one he's aware of the character (a cat, Periwinkle) missing her friends, because she lives in the country instead of the city and is missing her friends. The way David says it, though, it's close to "Mystery" and it was a mystery what he was saying for a while...he would say "Missed her friend" and I would hear "Myster(y) friend" and not completely make sense out of it. Then it clicked one day...Epiphany!

David went with Matt and Virginia Thursday for his trip to Missouri to see Amanda. Very Easily. Happily. No Problems at all. Matt was pretty happy about that. David was happy to see them. Matt likes that David's pretty clear in his speech. That'll make their interaction easier. They played for a few minutes before leaving, and they're going to have fun. David was going to go swimming at their house...I'm sure he fell asleep on the ride there...He always asks me to give him a hug, and a kiss, and a squeeze whenever it's time to say goodbye. I'm afraid of the squeeze part, because I don't want to hurt him, but he always wants more squeeze!

He's been looking forward to this trip for a week or so, ever since I told him that he's going to go up there. It's interesting because he hasn't displayed a lot of emotion about it. It's been pretty matter of fact. Except when we got closer to him leaving that he wanted to see pictures of his mom...and I'm realizing that these photos I have are now a year old...it's been a year since the divorce process began, and it was around this time that we stopped taking pictures. So if you have pictures that are more recent, please email me or send copies in the mail, for David's benefit. And when you're with him, please take lots of pictures. I take pictures of him at least every week or two, because he sees the camera and takes pictures of the TV shows he's watching, or of the world around him. It's interesting to see his point of view in picture form. (It reminds me of the Rug Rats) I also end up taking a picture or two of him during all of this, and he usually fills up the camera. He takes pictures of me, too, but gets random body parts, like my knee, or my left shoulder. He's just not big enough to properly hold the camera...but until he is, it will continue to be interesting how he holds the camera and what it reflects in his ability to point it and get what he wants, or what's there...

Sometimes I'll tell David he can't do something, and he'll say "WHHHWYYY????" in his best whiney voice. Sometimes it's when he's crying. I'm getting more immune to his crying and delay tactics. I'll warn him that it's time to go, or do something or whatever, and sometimes he delays by not doing anything, or telling me to wait until (the TV show or whatever) is over, or he's done with something. But I'm reaching the point where I can no longer allow that to happen...so we do things when I say, and his ability to get me not to do something is fading. Hopefully this will teach him that we have things we must do no matter what he feels. I know I feel like he does...so this is maybe another benefit of having kids: you get to live vicariously through them: they express all the feelings you can't, and act the way you know you want to, but can't.

David is funny because I ask him why he's doing something, or wants something, and he says, "because I want to." He basically answers the question of why with no answer, other than he wants to. He's not getting the motivation part of the question. I guess if he were an actor he'd be fired. :-)

When I give David a juicebox, he always wants me to take the plastic off the box that the straw was in...not sure why he cares so much, except that it's his sense of order coming into play again...

Lastly, I'm back to potty training. He's more willing lately. I'm finally being more serious about it, too. I made this decision when he would wake up soaked through his diaper to his jammies. I realized that there's a connection there that he hasn't made. On the other hand, he's still unwilling. He'll just sit on the potty, and not do anything. And sit and sit...sigh. But at least now he sits. And I'm doing it in the morning when we first wake up (which is sometimes at 6:30 -- early for me, since I'm usually in bed by 1 AM)...Yeah, he likes to wake me up by climbing on the bed and rolling over me a couple of times. Some days I'm able to take a nap when he goes to his preschool...anyway, I'm making efforts to be consistent, and positive about this whole thing. I get frustrated when he doesn't cooperate, too, but I try not to let it show.

So this week, the temperature got below 70 degrees for the first time since May...the days are beautiful, and David's wanting to play outside more now. I hope you make time for play, whatever the weather is outside.

Rusty

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A relationship with his mother

Some deep thoughts: do I want a relationship w/ Amanda? What kind of relationship did I have before? Not much of one, since I met her, and we started dating right away. It was always tumultuous. 6 months later, we were married. Now that I'm away from her, and I have to have a relationship with her because of David, I wonder if I'd want a relationship with her even if it weren't for David. It was significant, since we did get married. I have that chance, really, to have some kind of relationship with her, that doesn't involve him. I'm okay that she's with Tait. I think about Tania, and how I originally just thought I that I like her, and want to get to know her more. I still feel like that, actually. Except now, of course, I love her...but I wonder how much I got to know her. I was mad because she didn't want to have me come up there, invade her safe place, as it were...I thought I'd meant more to her than that, but oh well...I still want to get to know her more. She's really wonderful. But back to Amanda, who isn't so wonderful from this side...I didn't get to know her, and I didn't see her with my eyes wide open. I think she is quite a woman, for her qualities: she's beautiful, full of energy and life, has incredible drive...not sure about how caring she is, she did check out of our relationship, and I think part of my attraction to her was because of her flaws...but I don't have those flaws to fix with her anymore. I though I had something in common with her in the reading and history stuff, but how superficial was that? I never saw her for who she really is, rather, I saw her as who I wanted her to be...and of course, she wasn't that. So right now I think I'll just try to take her as she is, see what happens. I know nothing will come of it, but it's maybe just a good exercise. Maybe I do want something with her. She does have good qualities, just not the kind that mesh well with me. I just know that I see her at a distance, smiling, laughing, talking, and I want that, but it never happens with me. And it never did, and I never got it, either. I couldn't ever interact with her in a way that got that reaction. Sigh. Just more disappointment. I think that when i think about seeing her as she is, I have no desire at all to know her. Parts of me see her internally, though, and I want to get close to that part, but I don't know how to navigate the maze to get inside...

And another thought: Tania is in some way, my "rebound relationship", though I don't think so. My getting over her is teaching me about getting over Amanda...and about myself.

Friday, September 19, 2008

David Weekly, #31

I'm still working on my narrative, story telling skills. So far, though, all I've got is a list of unrelated items, except that it's all about David.

Last week, David had pizza and peaches for dinner, and loved it so much that he's asking for it again.

The other morning, we waited outside for Jesse next door to come out before she goes to work, and David sat very patiently waiting. I'm impressed with him for that, because this is the first time he just sat and waited. He was quiet, watching the world go by, and didn't get upset, or any other negative thing. He played a bit as we waited, but it was a normal thing, it seems...

He likes to count backwards for some reason...he'll say 5 more, then 4 more then 3 more then 2 more then 1 more...I tell him we can't do something anymore, so he starts with "we'll do 5 more, then 4 more..." It's very cute. We still practice counting in French, though he can count to 10, he doesn't some times.

We've discovered Blues Clues. David sits in rapt attention, watching this show. He especially loves the Mystery Builder episode. He quotes pieces of it to me. And asks to watch the Mystery Builder, over and over. Now, watching something over and over is a running theme for him, but what's different here is the raptness with which he watches this show. He puts one of his chairs close to the TV, and doesn't stop watching, except to tell me about it. And for now, we're done with Scooby Doo. I'd rather watch Blues Clues over and over again than Scooby Doo. Another "debate" that I'm having with him is watching actual shows on TV. We watch PBS, of course, and they've started a new season with a bunch of new shows, and I don't know the schedule, and I don't know what the shows are, but they seem geared for older children, rather than younger ones like David. I just need to invest in more Blues Clues, I guess. :-) He also takes spoons and hits them together, and calls it a "band"... this is what he's getting out of another Blues Clues episode about rhythm and making music.

David came into my bed the other night, for about 5 minutes, around 2 AM. I guess just to see if I was there. I roll over, give him a kiss, tell him I love him, and he goes back to his bed, and goes to sleep. He's getting better about waking me up in the mornings: I ask him if he can play in his room for a while so I can finish sleeping, and he does.

Tuesday morning, I got a full checkup from him: He looked at my eyes, my ears, my chest, my legs, my arms, and my back...not totally sure what prompted this...he mimed a bit putting something on my back and listened...he says he was 'something' the doctor...and speaking of doctors, he was rescheduled for the Shriners Hospital for October 21, 2008 at 1:30.

David's words of the week: "Really?" "That's better." and "I don't know." It kills me when I hear "I don't know" because I don't know if he doesn't know. Or because he can say it. It's an interesting concept when I think about it. It's part of self awareness: he knows that he doesn't know, and he can communicate that fact to me. This is different than just not knowing, because there's two things going on: not knowing, and then realizing that this blank exists in his mind. More about his cognitive development: I'm trying to get longer term thinking into him, by giving him a sequence of events that we're going to do, and then naming these events as they occur: get up, eat breakfast, go to the zoo, go home, go to Dot's, repeat. I like that he can follow what I'm saying for things like directions, and the fact that this longer term thinking is related to his favorite activity: going to the zoo. We can't go every day, but he knows if he does things he's supposed to, that we will.

In spite of the fact that Florida doesn't really have seasons, acorns are falling off the oak tree. David is keenly aware of this (because he sees them falling and hears them hitting the aluminum roof extended from the carport -- which is very loud!) and has collected some to bring inside, and then he makes them fall off the table and says, "It's just like it's falling off the tree, daddy..." He really has an imagination. When we go to the zoo, he acts like a flamingo, by lifting one leg and pretending to sleep, just like the flamigoes do. Sometimes he just does it at random in other places. It's pretty funny!

I spoke w/ Matt today, and he's going to drive David up to Missouri on Friday the 26th, though he's going to get David on the 24th. I'm worried that that will be a bit difficult for him, since he doesn't see Matt that much, if ever. Maybe twice in the last 9 months? I know he'll be okay, but that familiarity factor will be tough. David will be back at late as October 8th, I believe.

September 22 is the autumnal equinox, where day and night are supposed to be equal everwhere in the world. But due to various factors, this doesn't really happen, unless you look at the earth from space. It's been a year since I filed for divorce, and a bit more than 9 months since Amanda left for Missouri. This change has been difficult, but overall seems to have been for the better. David has adjusted pretty well, and hopefully, so have I. I say this because so much depends on your perspective, and hopefully we can all get some perspective on changes that are happening every day in the world around us.

Friday, September 12, 2008

David Weekly, #30

David is looking out the window again, asking for his mom to come home. He's been doing that a little more lately. I told him that she's not coming home, that he'll have to go to Missouri to see her instead. He was okay with that. He'll be going up there with Matt and Virginia on September 26, and coming back on October 4th or so.

We went to the zoo twice this week. On the way there the first time, I discover that he likes classical music, calling it "slow music." He'd rather hear that than the "best of the '80s", or the "greatest hits of today"...The other time this week we went to the zoo, he was asking for the talking on the radio, since I like to listen to NPR, where the majority of the time, they talk. I'm not sure what he gets out of the talking, though the music I can understand. Whenever he talks about the elephants, he makes the elephant sound, which doesn't do well in an email, but he does it a lot. It's so funny how he says, "Hi guys!" as if he's known them forever, to total strangers. They get a kick out of it, too.

He got sick on Sunday night, and spent a good part of Monday coughing. Poor kid. He hates the nebulizer, which I try to give him when he's sick, just to make sure his lungs stay clear. So he stayed home from preschool, and was miserable. We watched ALL the PBS kids shows there were for hours, which we normally don't do. There's a ton of new shows on now, and we watched a lot of them. He got a taste of the show "Big Big World", and now wants to watch it, but it's not on except for 2PM, when I'm taking him to Dot's. By the afternoon, though, he was well enough to go to Dot's. He still has a bit of a cough, but nothing to keep him awake at night, or be a problem during the day.

David has friends at school now. Nicholas (Nichowas), and Tyler (Tywer). He goes there pretty easily now, though when I pick him up they're always eating lunch, and if he sees me, that's it. He quits eating. So I'm learning how to peak in to see if they're still eating before I get him. It helps.

David's playing with emotions now, like happy and sad. He especially likes to wake me up with a big fake smile on his face, and then he has me make faces with him, happy or sad. At about 6:50 in the morning, too, when I'm still not awake. Sometimes he will let me sleep a little more, and other times he will go in his room and play with the loud toys...

So I'm pondering as I'm at the zoo, thinking about taking things for granted. The reason I'm thinking about this is because I want to make sure I don't miss anything about David (a recurring theme here), and as he gets older, I notice that my weeklies seem to be shorter and shorter, as it appears that more things are "normal" or not so remarkable as to merit writing them down as they happen, or remembering them later. I take it as a matter of course now that I can have conversations with him, or that he can tell me things that sound funny coming of that small child like, "Awesome" or using the word "acutawwy" for emphasis.

Today (Friday) it rained, and I took him out to watch the rain...we got another cloud band from Hurricane Ike. That is a monster sized storm if it's closer to Texas than Florida, yet we're getting occasional clouds and rain here. It was quite a downpour for about 10 minutes, and since there was no lightning or thunder, we played in the rain for a while. It was a lot of fun! David had a rock that he would put in the gutter, and because of the way it was shaped, it would float downstream. He would pick it up and move it around, and watch it flow with the water. Just one more way I can see his mind developing.

And some progress on the food front: he was able to express that he was hungry this morning, and ate all of his scrambled eggs and toast that I gave him. I was very happy about this. Many times he says he wants to eat something, but after I give it to him, he won't touch it. This is frustrating sometimes! Part of the reason we went to the zoo again this week is because I told him that if he eats all of his lunch at school, that I'll take him to the zoo. Wouldn't you know he ate all of his lunch? So we went to the zoo...

Here's hoping that you get some great reward for putting in hard work, and doing the right thing.

Rusty

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Busy Day

So today, we went to the zoo, after I picked him up from preschool, and I studied while he was at preschool...yay me!...and we read a book, and I took him to Dot's. Tomorrow we take a bath. I'm trying to get him to take more baths...I'm tired. This has been a busy day for him, and for me...

Friday, September 5, 2008

David Weekly, #29

One of the greatest joys of parenthood must be when your child is old enough to tell you that he loves you, after you tell him. "I love you, David." "I wove you, too, Daddy." He can't pronounce his L's yet, so when we read the "Splash" book, it comes out "Spwash". Occasionally, other words with L's have other pronunciations, like 'ayagators', which just kills me. He's getting better at "reading" or at least, recognizing words. He's also beginning to put adverbs into his speech, such as "actuawy." I don't know where these things come from, but it's always a surprise to hear the ways he's learning language. He's also beginning to get some concept of narrative, because he can tell me about things in some kind of sequence, such as today we were taking a walk down the street, and he tells me Ms. Tawanda (I have no idea about the spelling of her name) did something with his hair and with paint. I wasn't completely able to follow the story, but he knew what he was saying. Maybe it was a picture she drew of him? And something about black...David also says surprising things like "awesome!" now, but not that often...I'm also speaking more French to him, just teaching him nouns like chaussures, chausettes, (shoes and socks), and a few other things like verbs...but it's a losing battle. I'll keep doing it, but hopefully later on he'll be better able to learn a second language. Another aspect of him learning language is that he likes to try to type his name, or my name, and is really excited when he does it! "I typed my name!!!!" he shouts. I have to point to each letter, but he's beginning to learn where the keys are on the keyboard.

I know I've mentioned that he's polite, but it's a surprise to people when we're at the zoo and he knows he's in someone's way, and says "I'm sorry" or "excuse me". He's developing empathy! He's becoming aware of how his actions affect other people. He's also friends with everyone. He says hi to kids and adults everywhere. I know I've been repeating this little aspect of his behavior, but to me it's so remarkable that he's not just not shy, but willing to talk to anyone. At the zoo today he went up to complete strangers and very excitedly told them about the giant snakes, and where they were. He doesn't think to ask if they want to know. He's just so excited to tell someone...

He helped me cook dinner tonight, since he put the ingredients for the mashed potatoes in the pot. He was very happy about that.

Over Labor Day weekend, I had a friend of mine come over, and she brought her two kids. David did really well with the two of them, for the most part. Her kids are a boy 4, and a girl 5. The only part we have to work on is the sharing, since he wants to play with whatever they are playing with. This was the problem he had with Jared and Avery, too. Also, we went to the Museum of Science and Industry, and he saw the dinosaurs, which at first he was afraid of. After he got used to them (they're animatronic), he was having me name them, over and over and over. Except for the tyranasaurs rex, which he remained afraid of. I tried to take a picture of him with my cell phone, but he wasn't having it. My mother did take a few pics of us, though, so hopefully I'll have them soon.

When I drop him off at pre-school, he gives me a hug, makes me give him a kiss, lets me go, then does the routine all over again. He likes it when I squeeze him, and even asks me to. And then we repeat it again, and again...until finally I have to say "GO!" because he'll keep me there all day. He does this at Dot's, too.

So that's all for this week. I fear that my powers of observation are fading, and that I'm always leaving out details. I think of things all the time when I'm with the boy, but I never write them down.

Here's hoping that you get more hugs than you can handle, and the knowledge that somebody really loves you.

Rusty

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It's amazing to me that such a little body can take up so much room in my bed! David refused to sleep anywhere but with me last night, and we both went to sleep around 10. He just wants to take up all the space he can, by laying all over everywhere on the bed, which he can do since he's so little.

Meanwhile, I wake up after a dream of me being in a pool...and getting my phone wet. And somehow missing Tania at the airport. Don't know why I'd be at the airport to pick her up...I was supposed to though. And then I'm dealing with my broken down car and having to tow it home (with a U-Haul) and making reservations at a hotel on my way back...I'm in relapse territory here. Not liking this one bit. I'm still not over this, and I'm not sure I want to be. I just want her.