Unbalanced

With David being gone, I'm unbalanced, socially. I've been talking to Amanda about being introverted/extroverted, and again, I'm an introvert. It takes energy to be with people, and you keep what's most important to you hidden away. It's easy to make excuses about why I'm not out doing things before/after work, because I have David. He gets me out of the house, because I won't leave it otherwise. At least, not when he's gone for short periods like two weeks. I think if the custody thing were reversed, I'd go out more, do more things...have people around. I might go back to Baton Rouge, so I could hang out at Coffee Call again. Talk to people...no where good to do that around here, that I feel comfortable. I've been talking to a guy here at work who plays soccer recreationally, so maybe I'll do that on Sundays, which are my train wreck days anyway. Social, excercise...and something to do. Just for me.

Listening to a show on memory...a guy who can't remember from one moment to the next. Each new moment is brand new to the point that each moment is new...as if he's never had one before. It makes me think about learning how I feel about experiences. Like with Tania. The last time I remember feeling that way was with Meredith, but I didn't feel that way for very long. I've so often spoken in hyperbole, everything is so wonderful, so full, so "-est"...I remember ... they say that memory is always a recreation, but they didn't say how that recreation occurs. Maybe they don't know. But it's being recreated from something. I remember...I don't have any recreations that are like Tania. And I wonder about my depth of feeling. More intense feelings result in memories lasting longer. I don't remember my lunch last week, because it's not very intense. I remember my first kiss with Cinnamon because of how it left me feeling afterward. I wonder how I'll remember Tania in the future. The most intense feeling of being with her was in my bed, laying next to her, feeling the softness of her body...but it was the softness in her heart that affected me more....I guess I remember that because I never felt that before, from anyone. I wonder if I ever will again..and then I wonder about all the feelings I've felt before and that I've not felt since...and do I miss them, do I even know about them, have I forgotten them...I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. But where are those writings...where are those writings...