A relationship with his mother

Some deep thoughts: do I want a relationship w/ Amanda? What kind of relationship did I have before? Not much of one, since I met her, and we started dating right away. It was always tumultuous. 6 months later, we were married. Now that I'm away from her, and I have to have a relationship with her because of David, I wonder if I'd want a relationship with her even if it weren't for David. It was significant, since we did get married. I have that chance, really, to have some kind of relationship with her, that doesn't involve him. I'm okay that she's with Tait. I think about Tania, and how I originally just thought I that I like her, and want to get to know her more. I still feel like that, actually. Except now, of course, I love her...but I wonder how much I got to know her. I was mad because she didn't want to have me come up there, invade her safe place, as it were...I thought I'd meant more to her than that, but oh well...I still want to get to know her more. She's really wonderful. But back to Amanda, who isn't so wonderful from this side...I didn't get to know her, and I didn't see her with my eyes wide open. I think she is quite a woman, for her qualities: she's beautiful, full of energy and life, has incredible drive...not sure about how caring she is, she did check out of our relationship, and I think part of my attraction to her was because of her flaws...but I don't have those flaws to fix with her anymore. I though I had something in common with her in the reading and history stuff, but how superficial was that? I never saw her for who she really is, rather, I saw her as who I wanted her to be...and of course, she wasn't that. So right now I think I'll just try to take her as she is, see what happens. I know nothing will come of it, but it's maybe just a good exercise. Maybe I do want something with her. She does have good qualities, just not the kind that mesh well with me. I just know that I see her at a distance, smiling, laughing, talking, and I want that, but it never happens with me. And it never did, and I never got it, either. I couldn't ever interact with her in a way that got that reaction. Sigh. Just more disappointment. I think that when i think about seeing her as she is, I have no desire at all to know her. Parts of me see her internally, though, and I want to get close to that part, but I don't know how to navigate the maze to get inside...

And another thought: Tania is in some way, my "rebound relationship", though I don't think so. My getting over her is teaching me about getting over Amanda...and about myself.