And still I dream...

I don't know why I'm dreaming about Cinnamon and her husband, and children, but I am...in my dream I live in some kind of condo w/ a stone wall like at a pool, and on the other side of this wall is a pool that starts very shallow and gets very deep, but in the pool is some kind of marine life that people can interact with in some way, though most people just walk through the water and splash around a bit, on their way somewhere else. So I see Cinnamon and company going through from my house, but I don't say hi. Not sure what that would accomplish in doing that. Another thing is that this turns into some kind of loop, where I see them more than once. But they're on vacation, having fun...I think at some point Marty recognizes me, asks Cinnamon about me, but she isn't really hearing his questions. I lose track of them at some point, and I follow them I think into a restaurant lobby/hotel lobby dining room ish area, lots of chairs and tables and space but not a lot of people at that moment...again, not sure why I need to be there, except that maybe I'm chasing David...

David Weekly, #33

So this week has been a half week for David, from my perspective. He got home from Amanda's on Monday night, at about 11:30 or so. Tuesday I had to work from 9 - 5, so it was hard taking him to Dot's so early in the morning on his first day back...he really cried and cried...but he was better when I got back at 5:15 or so from work. We took our usual long way home walk when I pick him up on afternoons when I work during the day. These are rare, so it's a special treat for us to walk back home the long way...and along the way we saw a ring-neck snake...but it was tiny! It was in the road, and I began by chasing it off the road, so it wouldn't get run over. David thought this was cool, and did some chasing of his own. Eventually the snake disappeared into the grass, but David wasn't done: he wanted to be the snake, so he got on the ground and wriggled like a snake. That kid can be entertaining!

While he was in Missouri he got some mini-pumpkins with some faces drawn on them (I think Tait did the drawing) and so he's assigned different voices to them. One says "Boo!" Another says, "howhowhowhow," and the last one says, "hahahahah." I just love that he's assigned the different voices to them.

On Wednesday, we went to some kind of resort with my sister and my mother, and played in the water there for a while. David made a sand castle at the park that's in the same general area as the lagoon...David played with his cousins, Avery and Jared...and had a grand old time. He tells me about TV shows now...We stayed until Friday night...

Not a whole lot to report. David is turning into a normal kid...who likes to dance. Today we were at the pool, and they play music...and he was so happy to dance! I've really got to do something for this child as it relates to dance. He was so happy to dance.

He has a Shriners appointment on Friday, and a regular doctor appt on Monday. We'll let you know how it goes.

Rusty


PS I was really tired when I wrote this. I'm sure more happened than I said...

David's Home

A recurring theme here...Matt and Virginia brought him all the way here for Missouri, two days early. I'm not really complaining. ;-)

Today I had to take him to Dot's early (at about 8:30 AM), since I had to work from 9 - 5 today for training. He did not take that well at all. Poor kid. When I picked him up, it was all better. He was telling me he's Sponge Bob again. Amanda made a knitted little elephant trunk for him, and I guess I'm supposed to do the rest for his Halloween costume...mask, make up (??), grey clothes...he wants to be an elephant. He has 3 mini-pumpkins that have little faces painted on them that say different things: boo, or ohohohooooohohooooo or I'm not sure what else. But each is distinct.

Today when I picked him up we went for our normal around the block walk (when I pick him up during the day, we usually do this)...along the way we saw a tiny ring-neck snake. I chased it out of the road so it wouldn't get run over or stepped on...and of course, David wanted to act like the snake, so he gets on the ground and wriggles like the snake. And he's a chatterbox, too...he did not stop talking the whole time! It's always strange for me to see him after a brief period of him being away, because I see how much he's changed in just this little bit. He's not the boy that left two weeks ago...he did something else cute, and it was only a little while ago, yet I can't remember!

Unbalanced

With David being gone, I'm unbalanced, socially. I've been talking to Amanda about being introverted/extroverted, and again, I'm an introvert. It takes energy to be with people, and you keep what's most important to you hidden away. It's easy to make excuses about why I'm not out doing things before/after work, because I have David. He gets me out of the house, because I won't leave it otherwise. At least, not when he's gone for short periods like two weeks. I think if the custody thing were reversed, I'd go out more, do more things...have people around. I might go back to Baton Rouge, so I could hang out at Coffee Call again. Talk to people...no where good to do that around here, that I feel comfortable. I've been talking to a guy here at work who plays soccer recreationally, so maybe I'll do that on Sundays, which are my train wreck days anyway. Social, excercise...and something to do. Just for me.

Listening to a show on memory...a guy who can't remember from one moment to the next. Each new moment is brand new to the point that each moment is new...as if he's never had one before. It makes me think about learning how I feel about experiences. Like with Tania. The last time I remember feeling that way was with Meredith, but I didn't feel that way for very long. I've so often spoken in hyperbole, everything is so wonderful, so full, so "-est"...I remember ... they say that memory is always a recreation, but they didn't say how that recreation occurs. Maybe they don't know. But it's being recreated from something. I remember...I don't have any recreations that are like Tania. And I wonder about my depth of feeling. More intense feelings result in memories lasting longer. I don't remember my lunch last week, because it's not very intense. I remember my first kiss with Cinnamon because of how it left me feeling afterward. I wonder how I'll remember Tania in the future. The most intense feeling of being with her was in my bed, laying next to her, feeling the softness of her body...but it was the softness in her heart that affected me more....I guess I remember that because I never felt that before, from anyone. I wonder if I ever will again..and then I wonder about all the feelings I've felt before and that I've not felt since...and do I miss them, do I even know about them, have I forgotten them...I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. But where are those writings...where are those writings...

Ringworm

Amanda tells me that David has ringworm. In his ear, and another case on his arm. I saw those splotches, but assumed eczema. Sigh. No one else said anything to me about them. She can be a good mom...just in short bursts.

A Great Quote

"No matter how many how many ways old people find to warn young people not to squander ephemeral gifts, we all find ways, young and old, to squander our ephemeral gifts -- love, babies, and real estate included. In warning others, at least for a moment we have those precious things back."

David Weekly, #32

This is why you have to pay attention to your kids every minute: at first, he was being cute and calling me "Old man." I have not the slightest idea where this came from, or why it started happening today. But he calls me "old man", and I think it's cute. In the middle of all of this, he picks up the scissors, and I'm in the middle of cooking...a minute or two later he comes back and tells me he cut the sheets on my bed. So I go check this claim out, and sure enough, he did. I now have a hole in my sheets. Lovely. I tell him this makes me very sad. And I asked him why I'm sad, and he says, "because I cut a hole in your sheets," very matter of factly...but I told him again how upset I am over this, and he got it. He went to his room, obviously feeling guilty. He didn't put that together with "I'm sorry," so we'll have to work on that. The best part is that I didn't yell or scream, but I did say emphatically how I felt about it, and it did have an impact.

Comparison...David is now saying that something is "best" "prettiest" "loudest" or whatever... but it's always something "est"...he's learning how to attach affixes to words: like, "est" or "un"..."un" is funnier, because of the way you can attach it to words in unexpected ways. Like at the zoo, he decided to go play in the fountains, which we never do, and got all wet. I told him that we can't go see the animals because he was all wet and because we ran out of time. So he asked how he could get unwet. What a great kid! It was also funny when we went to see the penguins how he sees the water and calls it "Lovely (wovewy) wa-er" ... (he doesn't say the T's in the middle of words)... this is a phrase from the Splash! book that we read a lot. In fact, that Splash! book is his favorite. Another thing is that he says "Ta-a!" instead of Ta-Da! when unveiling something with his blanket, or showing me something that I haven't seen before.

Did I mention that he loves Blues Clues? Yeah, he does. He loves the episodes of the Mystery Builder, and "Missed her friend" -- the second one he's aware of the character (a cat, Periwinkle) missing her friends, because she lives in the country instead of the city and is missing her friends. The way David says it, though, it's close to "Mystery" and it was a mystery what he was saying for a while...he would say "Missed her friend" and I would hear "Myster(y) friend" and not completely make sense out of it. Then it clicked one day...Epiphany!

David went with Matt and Virginia Thursday for his trip to Missouri to see Amanda. Very Easily. Happily. No Problems at all. Matt was pretty happy about that. David was happy to see them. Matt likes that David's pretty clear in his speech. That'll make their interaction easier. They played for a few minutes before leaving, and they're going to have fun. David was going to go swimming at their house...I'm sure he fell asleep on the ride there...He always asks me to give him a hug, and a kiss, and a squeeze whenever it's time to say goodbye. I'm afraid of the squeeze part, because I don't want to hurt him, but he always wants more squeeze!

He's been looking forward to this trip for a week or so, ever since I told him that he's going to go up there. It's interesting because he hasn't displayed a lot of emotion about it. It's been pretty matter of fact. Except when we got closer to him leaving that he wanted to see pictures of his mom...and I'm realizing that these photos I have are now a year old...it's been a year since the divorce process began, and it was around this time that we stopped taking pictures. So if you have pictures that are more recent, please email me or send copies in the mail, for David's benefit. And when you're with him, please take lots of pictures. I take pictures of him at least every week or two, because he sees the camera and takes pictures of the TV shows he's watching, or of the world around him. It's interesting to see his point of view in picture form. (It reminds me of the Rug Rats) I also end up taking a picture or two of him during all of this, and he usually fills up the camera. He takes pictures of me, too, but gets random body parts, like my knee, or my left shoulder. He's just not big enough to properly hold the camera...but until he is, it will continue to be interesting how he holds the camera and what it reflects in his ability to point it and get what he wants, or what's there...

Sometimes I'll tell David he can't do something, and he'll say "WHHHWYYY????" in his best whiney voice. Sometimes it's when he's crying. I'm getting more immune to his crying and delay tactics. I'll warn him that it's time to go, or do something or whatever, and sometimes he delays by not doing anything, or telling me to wait until (the TV show or whatever) is over, or he's done with something. But I'm reaching the point where I can no longer allow that to happen...so we do things when I say, and his ability to get me not to do something is fading. Hopefully this will teach him that we have things we must do no matter what he feels. I know I feel like he does...so this is maybe another benefit of having kids: you get to live vicariously through them: they express all the feelings you can't, and act the way you know you want to, but can't.

David is funny because I ask him why he's doing something, or wants something, and he says, "because I want to." He basically answers the question of why with no answer, other than he wants to. He's not getting the motivation part of the question. I guess if he were an actor he'd be fired. :-)

When I give David a juicebox, he always wants me to take the plastic off the box that the straw was in...not sure why he cares so much, except that it's his sense of order coming into play again...

Lastly, I'm back to potty training. He's more willing lately. I'm finally being more serious about it, too. I made this decision when he would wake up soaked through his diaper to his jammies. I realized that there's a connection there that he hasn't made. On the other hand, he's still unwilling. He'll just sit on the potty, and not do anything. And sit and sit...sigh. But at least now he sits. And I'm doing it in the morning when we first wake up (which is sometimes at 6:30 -- early for me, since I'm usually in bed by 1 AM)...Yeah, he likes to wake me up by climbing on the bed and rolling over me a couple of times. Some days I'm able to take a nap when he goes to his preschool...anyway, I'm making efforts to be consistent, and positive about this whole thing. I get frustrated when he doesn't cooperate, too, but I try not to let it show.

So this week, the temperature got below 70 degrees for the first time since May...the days are beautiful, and David's wanting to play outside more now. I hope you make time for play, whatever the weather is outside.

Rusty